my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
