I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
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i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
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I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.