My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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