He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
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We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
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STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My legs feel like baby dolphins
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.