Texts From Last Night

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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  Shittttttt.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

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  (734): I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy. (1-734): Shittttttt. (734): Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy. http://tfl.nu/htfb
  Replies (33) Good night (10066) Bad night (996)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick

  (972): View more from Texas

  please tell me you have proof of this

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  (405): the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick (972): please tell me you have proof of this http://tfl.nu/kwvu
  Replies (9) Good night (870) Bad night (4272)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke

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  (515): sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke http://tfl.nu/6ss8
  Replies (16) Good night (3226) Bad night (1045)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.

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  (512): Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer. http://tfl.nu/t35w
  Replies (22) Good night (4560) Bad night (1182)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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  (703): swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back." (202): buy whatever she's on. a lot of it. http://tfl.nu/b6gr
  Replies (34) Good night (16152) Bad night (1314)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.

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  (978): IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES. http://tfl.nu/cxji
  Replies (7) Good night (2506) Bad night (773)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.

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  (903): As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix. http://tfl.nu/azut
  Replies (5) Good night (1511) Bad night (749)
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.

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  (205): Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth. http://tfl.nu/rtd2
  Replies (12) Good night (1226) Bad night (2368)
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.

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  (952): Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm. http://tfl.nu/ghbo
  Replies (15) Good night (2466) Bad night (822)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.

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  (913): He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me. http://tfl.nu/52qd
  Replies (3) Good night (794) Bad night (1592)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.

  (214): View more from Texas

  I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity

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  (832): I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle. (214): I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity http://tfl.nu/3j7l
  Replies (2) Good night (788) Bad night (410)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off

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  (401): i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off http://tfl.nu/b0hl
  Replies (2) Good night (693) Bad night (433)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.

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  (505): I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again. http://tfl.nu/j8uj
  Replies (0) Good night (530) Bad night (383)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.

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  (404): I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now. http://tfl.nu/5tyu
  Replies (1) Good night (293) Bad night (810)
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  (805): View more from California

  went out last night. woke up with a lisp.

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  (805): went out last night. woke up with a lisp. http://tfl.nu/64b5
  Replies (4) Good night (254) Bad night (243)

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