As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
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Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
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His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf