She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
