Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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