After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
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While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
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I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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