Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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