How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
