PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
