I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
