Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
