my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
my liver is dry heaving
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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