I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
