God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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