my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
