I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
