i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
