Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
