Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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