he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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