Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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