Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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