A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Randomize
