i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Well I just put wine in my tea
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
