I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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