I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
