The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
