Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
