Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
