Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
