haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
