So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
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They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
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He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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