Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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