I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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