You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
