Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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