I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
