An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
