I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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