You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
