would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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