I feel great
I just peed on a car
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
