phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
