Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
