I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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