Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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