You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
