I met the friendliest cop last night
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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