Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
