Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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