just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
