Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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