You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
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If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
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Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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