If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
do herpes really smell.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
