So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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