He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
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It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
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In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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