I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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