9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
