Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
