I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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